As I sit and type this, my face is rather alarmingly paralysed. Why is paralysis – mine anyway – never even? I have a weird, very public, Dorian Gray facial effect happening – one half of my face is mobile and animated, the other immobile, frozen, unwrinkled. Everyone politely pretends not to notice, thankfully.
2008 has been a quiet year for me: recovering from having my face cut open: a long, slow neurological relapse: a bit of face chemotherapy: one hospital visit, and now, the facial paralysis. But no, that’s just not enough is it? Worse was friends and family members being seriously ill; some died.
EaZyD and me got very stressed and, as you do, started blaming my illness for … oh, loads of unrelated stuff. How pointless is that? And, who doesn’t do it? Eventually, you just have to find a way to manage the stuff you cannot change, don’t you? A painful process and I struggled not to take it personally.
Finally, I gave up and sought out a counsellor to vent on. I was unsure this was a good move but the only thing I could change was me so, what’s to lose?
Nothing as it happened. We spent a couple of sessions establishing that there was no fundamental problem with me – how was that not immediately obvious? Then, I was able to use the remaining sessions to sort my head out in managing my responses to huge emotional problems that are entirely outside of my control.
Gratifyingly, irrespective of others’ emotional responses to bad news, I have, since, been able to feel calmer in myself and I stopped venting on EaZyD – so win/win really – not perfect but a lot better and with each of us getting some peace.
I sustained my little bubble of zen calm right up to, and through, facial chemotherapy and my December hospital visit – tho’ I nearly lost it on day one at the hospital when I turned up to find no one expecting me and the person I had spoken to was off sick. Luckily, it all turned out OK, I got my treatment, had a good Christmas and here I am … face alarmingly paralysed.
A normal, dare I say, quiet, year of good counsel …