2011: not my worst year but oh, so far from my best, with a series of niggling problems, two relapses necessitating hospital treatment and ending with me being deaf in one ear, eye irritation and – still – facially paralysed in addition to all my usual problems.
And, let me tell you, 2012 has not started well as I have been laid low with a vomiting/diarrhea bug for almost two weeks and still feel like a limp dish-rag. EaZyD’s none-too-happy either!
I wonder if there’s any chance of me getting to a dentist and dermatologist this year – before all my teeth fall out and/or I die of skin cancer!
Yeah, yeah, I know, drama queen but, hell, chronic illness is a bitch – not least in the time it takes up.
Of course, with my vast experience, I am used to it but it still irritates me and frankly, unless I am bleeding uncontrollably – entirely possible with the warfarin I take permanently – or screaming in pain – ditto for neurological deficits – or suffering something so unsightly – a catch-all phrase covering a lot! – that I can’t be seen in public, I just prefer to ignore it all and live my – some kind of – life.
But this year, I haven’t managed to do that much. This is the list of some trips I paid for but didn’t make:
Twelfth Night, NT : Moonlight, Donmar
Cherry Orchard, NT : Luise Miller, Donmar
Much Ado, Globe : The Faith Machine, Royal Court
Ben L’Oncle Sould : Henry Threadgill
Faust, IMAX : Juno and The Paycock, NT
Travelling Light, NT : Richard II, Donmar
Restaurants I didn’t go to (and friends I didn’t see) include Dinner, The Ledbury, oh, and loads more that I can’t remember. I’ve cancelled social arrangements, cinema trips; postponed nurses, carers, therapists, doctors, dentists, hair appointments; not been able to fit in house repairs, wheelchair maintenance, you name it, I’ve not done it! And it sucks!
All I can do is stay calm. Life has been worse. Life has been better. And nothing stays the same. It is important to stay in the moment. Take each moment for what it is and make the best of it. So, I write. I wait. And I contemplate. What else can I do?